A Statement from the University of Pennsylvania Regarding the College Admissions Bribery Scandal

Biting satire by Jessica M. Goldstein in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency –

When we learned that at least 50 people participated in a massive college admissions scam, deploying fraudulent means to get their children into our nation’s elite universities, we were appalled, disgusted, and outraged that not a single one of them was using these deviant tactics to get into the University of Pennsylvania.

It is just despicable that these privileged, wealthy families, who already enjoy every advantage, would be so deceitful and unethical in their efforts to secure a coveted spot at Yale, Stanford, or Georgetown, but not at Penn, which — friendly reminder! — is an Ivy League school. It’s extremely exclusive. Very difficult to get into. Definitely harder than Georgetown and sometimes harder than Stanford; it sort of depends on the year.

What’s especially appalling to us, as one of the finest academic institutions in the world, is how many of these students did not even care about their education. We’re looking at you, Olivia Jade (she’s a young woman with wealthy parents of questionable judgment): “I don’t know how much of school I’m gonna attend.” Well, Olivia, maybe you’d feel differently if you learned about a certain someone named Benjamin Franklin, who founded the University of Pennsylvania in 1740 and also invented bifocals, the Warby Parkers of his day. You could say Ben was America’s first influencer. People already do, actually. It’s a thing. Tell your friends!

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About Radnor Reports

Ken Feltman is past-president of the International Association of Political Consultants and the American League of Lobbyists. He is retired chairman of Radnor Inc., an international political consulting and government relations firm in Washington, D.C. Known as a coalition builder, he has participated in election campaigns and legislative efforts in the United States and several other countries.
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